true family

i know, i know, i have been terrible about blogging lately.  because things in the house have changed so much recently, so many crazy things going on, not the least of which getting two abandoned children in the house (they are not related).  it was quite a shock, and their journey here was one of deceit and intentional miscommunication.  i swear to you, if i ever meet the person who is responsible for this again, i will punch him as hard as i can in the fucking face.  i have never had such a want to physically injure someone, but i can feel it in my gut.  and trust me, it would be justified.  anyway, so now we have a couple of kids that we, at this point in time, have to raise.  not to help, or watch out for, but to educate-shelter-love-discipline.  we are their family, for a little while.  this is really strange for me, as most of you know i have never wanted children.  thats not to say that im not good with kids, because i kinda am.  i will play the same way they play, even if it means rolling on the ground or getting play-dough in my hair or stopping my work to built a fort.  but i am also a hard ass, and have no trouble disciplining them when they need it.  and EVERYONE in the house has a pretty limited common sense, as they have been living in such a crazy, nonsensical world for so long.  so age 23 or 6, its all about the same.

but there are unique challenges that come with kids, having to always put their needs first, having to be at least partially aware of what they are doing 100% of the time.  they are expensive, emotional, and erratic.  but they are also huggy, giggly, innocent, and all the things that make you willing to put everything aside for them.  the littlest is also handicapped, so communicating with her has been a whole other issue.  but when she giggles and grabs on to you, its such an example of unconditional love.  on both sides.  which i  might feel stronger than i ever have before.  i know i am not their mother (although if i could i would consider adopting them), and i am fully aware that the youngest probably will forget i even exist as she grows up.  which honestly doesnt bother me one bit.  of course i would love to know about their lives in the future, who they become.  on their end i know the relationship may be fleeting, but for the present i consider myself undeservedly fortunate to fill the role of their mother, father, friend, whatever they need.  when the children first came into the house i was very worried that some of the other people here might not want to deal with the shared burden of raising two kids.  two very emotionally damaged kids.  and honestly, it was tough, for the first time since i have been out here i felt really stressed.  but everyone has manned up and taken their share of the responsibility.  even to the point that now its not an issue at all, we all feel fortunate that they came to us, and couldnt imagine the house without them.  i wanted to send them on their way asap, but now the idea of long term care seems like a gift.  but its borrowed time, i know.

i heard a lot of horror stories about living/working here.  and i can only imagine the difficulties that my predecessors had to deal with.  but every individual to come here has been a wonderful addition, like there was a hole that needed to be filled by their presence.  thats not to say we dont have our troubles.  i am the dominant one in the house, everyone knows what i say goes.  im usually so brash and loud, so if i get quiet and serious, they are not just worried, they are a little scared.  which is a good thing, someone had to take that role here, and im glad to do it.  my word is law in this house, and is unquestioned.  but recently for the first time someone doubted the reasoning behind some of my decisions.  this is fine, sometimes they dont, or cant, know the whole story, i am usually glad to explain why certain situations go as they do.  but this individual was actually putting the house at risk with his actions.  so for the first time, i brought out the big guns.  i got nose to nose with him and cursed in his face.  i expressed so much anger that i was shaking.  i ranted about his selfishness and attitude.  not that he understood it, he doesnt speak a lick of english.  but he got my meaning.  i have never seen someone go from belligerent to docile so quickly.  the other people in the house that witnessed it were terrified.  when asked later, they said that if i had done that to them, they felt they were not fit to be human.  but as soon as he calmed down, i explained logically and clearly (with an interpretor of course) the reason for my outburst and the fact that safety is my number one priority here.  then i walked it back and told him quite a bit of personal information about myself, why i am here, what i have faced.  he was astonished, he had no idea who i was, or really even why i was there (he is the newest addition, and a standoffish male, so we havent really bonded yet).  he understood that i could empathize with his situation, that my efforts were 100% for his, and everyones, well being.  i then explained to him the reasoning behind a lot of my decisions that he was doubting.  i think (hope) that he fully comprehends why he has to follow my word no matter what the situation.  we hugged it out, very honestly and deeply.  i told him he was my family, and i would do everything i could to secure a good future for him.  so even though i had just gone off on him in the strongest way i could (okay, maybe like 80%), we came to a better understanding than we ever had before.  neither of us bares a grudge, and we get along just fine.

i have no fantasy that we all have this amazing bond that will last a lifetime.  we will go our separate ways as soon as it is possible, and will have little, if any, contact.  but when the littlest one comes in to call me for dinner, and we all gather around the table and laugh, joke, talk, emote, whatever, it really and truly is my family that i am with.  my lifestyle does not lend itself well to long term relationships.  but what i lack in time i make up for in sincerity.  whether they know it or not,  i would die to keep these people safe.  they are my life, my loves, my friends, and my true family.  most of them have been spurned or treated cruelly in their past homes.  but here, i know that some of them feel safe for the first time.  now im not trying to tout myself as this selfless, heroic individual.  not at all.  the deep feelings i have may or may not be reciprocated.  but that is not the point.  when we sit down together, we have a bond as strong as any blood related family might have.  i am so humbled that i am able to have these relationships, so fortunate as to be even a whisper in their lives.  in the past i have struggled with my decisions to never stay in one place long enough to build long term relationships, but this makes up for it all.  like i said, its the quality, not quantity.  and that they will go on to build their own families in the future makes me so contented.  it is a struggle for everyone here, and one of the things i told them is that i understand that we see the worst sides of each other, even worse than usual because of the very out of the ordinary situation we are all in.  but that makes it even more real, and more amazing that we care for each other so much.  so i can no longer wonder if when i come to the end of my life, will i have ever had children or a family.  because i have it now, and to me it is just as sacred as any blood family, and i will cherish it while i have the opportunity.  

so for all the people that dont have a loving family, or are worried about being alone, know that there are people out there who will live and die beside you, if thats what it takes.  they may not have your skin color or upbringing, but they will be willing to build an amazingly close relationship with you, and share parts of themselves that they would never share with an outsider.  and that is honestly more important than blood family, isnt it?  because we could opt out of this family if we wanted to.  but we dont, because we know that we are the closest people we have to each other.  so i am immensely appreciative of the time we have together, and of the people that i can call my sister, brother, son or daughter.  even if it is just a stepping stone for them, it is a necessary one, because they would not reach the other side without it.  and now it has become more than it being my duty to shelter them, it is my hearts greatest wish to see them succeed and create happy and healthy lives.  my family is here, and although it is not permanent, it will be part of who i am for my entire life.  

happy ada lovelace day!

like most internet trolls out there, i manage to come across the most interesting and amazing subcultures.  by and large that has to be my favorite thing about the internet.  i am by no means tech savvy, culture savvy, or socially savvy.  hell, i can barely function in social situations enough to not spill a drink on myself or unknowingly talk shit about a guy to his girlfriends face.  so i dont often find myself in art galleries saying oh how droll thaddeus, you are such a rascal!  nor do i sit outside hipster bookstores complaining that banksy is just the next shepherd fairey, exchanging his politically inflammatory and damnable art for that which the masses can appreciate and feel a part of the underground culture.  and then they buy coffee table books of the street art to put on their ikea tables next to their dwell magazines.

but back on topic.  the internet allows for the dissemination of intellectual discourse even for the most unsociable.    recently, through my normal habit of following links from a musician interview to his fav bands to their favorite webpages (with a few quick stops at wikipedia to remind myself what a selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitor is; not kidding, that was my last wikipedia search).  by and by i found a website called finding ada.  its all about ada lovelace, and how she wrote the first computer programs for the first computer that was more than a calculator, the analytical engine.  she has been called the first computer programmer, and the modern computer programming language is named ada.  so today, march 24, is ada lovelace day.  to commemorate this special day we are taking the time to bring attention to other unsung women in the world of technology.  at findingada.com, thousands of people are writing about a woman they think has made an important contribution to technology today.  so here goes mine.

i hope no one gets snippy, but the woman i chose did not actually have much hands on work in the field of technology.  but nevertheless, without her we would be years, maybe decades behind in the fields of gene therapy, cloning, even the polio vaccine.  although she died in 1951, she has been in the news recently because of a new book called the immortal life of henrietta lacks by rebecca skloot.  ms skloot was on the colbert report recently to discuss her new book, a clip of which can be found here.  to explain in just a few sentences, when henrietta lacks was treated at a hospital for cervical cancer, some of her cells were removed to be studied later (without her knowledge).  possibly because of inadequate treatment, her body became riddled with tumors and she died at the age of 31.  but upon studying her cells, it quickly became apparent that they did not die soon after division, basically they were immortal cells.  these cells were able to then be used to create vaccines, were the first cells to be cloned, and were even shot into space (a nice timeline can be found here).  her family was not told until years later, and seemingly have received no compensation.  the only legacy is that the cell line is called HeLa.  for more specifics on how the science of genetics and immortal cells work, i suggest checking out the new book.  i know i will, as soon as i live in a country that has it available :)  or of course you can spend the day on wikipedia, going from link to link, until the work day is done.

so maybe ms lacks did not create any major technology by her brainpower or ingenuity.  however, the cancer that ended her life has saved thousands, if not millions of others.  so we will give back in the only way we know how, buy spreading your story and your sacrifice.  even though you were buried in an unmarked grave, the people that know your direct impact on science and technology that continues today, we will remember you in our hearts.

we heart tees!

ok, since my last blog posts have been waaaayyyy to heavy, here's a nice little break.  this post is all about how to show some sweet love to that soft cotton gently caressing your skin.  i love laundry, and i love my tees, and i want them to last.  so here is how i have found to best take care of your since-broken-up band t shirts, ones you got that proudly show you have been to gainsville florida or niagara falls, or one from that boy/girl friend that broke your heart and left you but forgot their shirt, and you still sleep with it every night.  although, be warned, washing will remove the boy/girlfriend smell, so if you are really that creepy, do not follow this advice.  instead, go get yourself laid.

t shirt care starts as soon as you take of your shirt.  forget what your mother told you about putting all your shirts right side out so she doesnt have to do it when folding.  dont.  take the shirt off over your head like a normal person and leave it inside out.  this will be important for both the washing and drying steps.

alright, the wash.  do separate colors, at least to some extent.  if all you listen to is metal, i'll assume all you have is black.  but for those of us with more diverse interests, remember that your whites will really look blah if you just throw it all together.  for detergent, i have never really found that the detergent matters much, but thats just me.  just something mild, colorsafe if you want, but i dont bother.  just dont use very much of it.  seriously, like 1/4 of what is recommended on the package.  put it on a gentle cycle with cool water, and let it go.   chose a short cycle time.  now, the reason it is best to have the shirt inside out is the design on the outside will be protected from rubbing up on everything as it is sloshing around in there.  also, if something got in the wash that you didnt mean to, something that was in a pocket or something, if it stains the shirt it will hopefully just be on the inside of the shirt.  it may leak through, but hey, youve got a better shot this way.

drying.









ok, drying is the most important part to protect your beloved t.  now, living in asia, i have gotten used to line-drying my clothes for years, because people rarely have dryers.  it is cheaper, more eco friendly, your clothes dont wear out as fast and they dont shrink.  if you cant be bothered to line dry, stop reading right now cause i dont give fuck about your laziness.  others more inclined, follow along.  now, if you do have a washer that will do a quick spin to get rid of the excess water, you can use that.  then take your wet shirts to your line.  your line should be in the direct sunlight if you live in a humid or cold area, indirect if you live in a very hot, dry location.  i dont like to hang the shirts on a hanger, because i am a girl and i dont want them too long if they stretch.  so i hang them on a drying hanger or rack thing, usually used for towels.  its great cause i can hang a bunch together.  now, when you hang them, the inside of the shirt is out, and the front should be facing down, so if anything touches them, or the line is dirty, or you forget and leave your clothes out for days and days and they get sun bleached, its the inside of the back of the shirt that gets messed up.  leave them there for as little time as possible as to avoid sun damage, but make sure they are totally dry.  you dont want them getting mildewy later.

ok, time to fold.  now is the time to turn the shirt right side in again.  i used to just leave them inside out at this step, because i liked to grab a shirt at random not knowing whet it was, and wear whatever i got.  but is a reason to turn them out.  obviously, if you can see the design you can find the shirt you are looking for.  but the more important reason in this: you know when your shirt with a vinyl design starts to get cracks?   that is from both the dryer and from folding.  you can see sometimes the cracks are right around the middle, because that is a fold line.  to reduce the fold line as much as possible, the vinyl should be as far away from the crease as it can be, which means the shirt should be folded right side in with the front (or design side) folded to the outside.  it would be better to fold in thirds, but they always seem to get messed up on my shelf that way, so i like to fold them in quarters.  so grab the bottom corners of the shirt so it is upside down, shake out the wrinkles (this will also line up the seams, and fold in half and then in half the other way.  now you can see the design, and i recommend putting them all in the same direction so when you stack them they are easier to look through.

now, this is obviously not the best way to protect a shirt., its just the best way with my particular means.  if you wanted, you could hang them (but i dont like the shoulder points), or lay them all flat (i dont have the room).  basically i wrote this because every time i do laundry i have a reason for each step, and i wanted to organize it.  this is clearly not important at all, but it really does work.  i have tshirts that i absolutely love, and i know they will wear out eventually, but i want to wear them for as long as possible.  i know the vintage look is in, but i dont want that fir my colorful, artsy t shirts.

oh, and another thing i noticed is that messenger bags or any bags that go across your chest will wear out a vinyl design if the shirt is not of the highest quality.  there are tons of awesome small time t shirt designers where i live, but a lot of the time the shirt quality is sub par.  so i am extra careful with these.  this is my most recent favorite.

hope my rediculous method of caring for t's has helped someone out there.  probably not, cause if you havent already figured this out for yourself, or have your own method, then you probably couldnt care less.  but i realize i do so many things in my life pragmatically (even if my reasoning is sometimes incorrect), maybe i should keep track of just how loony i am.  so there you go.

your mission should you choose to accept it is...wait.

so the last mission was hectic, full-blast craziness.  4 of us with 6 packages for pickup, missed timing, police, the whole bit.  this mission was the antithesis, 8 days of my partner in crime and i waiting and waiting, and yup, you guessed it, waiting.  the lunar new year had made crossing more tricky than expected, and so every day we got a call that there was no movement yet.  we went a little stir crazy with cabin fever, stuck in a hotel room, informing the front desk that we would be there just one more night.  and one more.  and so on.  (conspicuous much?)  anyway, i did take the initiative to see some of the amazingly beautiful landscape around us since i had the time.  i cant really show many pictures or go into too much detail (for obvious reasons), but i can tell you it was stunning.  i saw the sparkliest temple in existence, gorgeous organic tea plantations (and im a bit of a tea nut), beautiful waterfalls, and some amazing ethnic villages.
 i rented a motorcycle and rode some ridge trails, and got to get really off the beaten path to see an incredible range of villages whos inhabitants had rarely seen a foreigner.  if i stopped for a drink, the whole town would gather round, and even just riding through the main road, an entire soccer game stopped to watch me go by.  neat, but a bit odd.  i finally had to turn around at one point when i found myself climbing a super rocky hill alone on the bike, in a tank top with no proper shoes, having no clue where i was.  i hated turning around before i found where this road went, and of course in doing so i dropped the bike and reduced the clutch lever to the 2 finger variety.  i knew i should have just kept going!  but for once i played it safe and returned to the hotel unharmed.

when we finally got the call for the pick up, our packages were waiting for us nearby.  it was just a mother hen and her youngin that we were taking, but there were also a couple others there that had been part of another group that we were not allowed to take with us because they were part of a different program (weird, i know).  this was the most heartbreaking thing i had seen since starting this job.  here we were, seemingly hand-picking these two to take to safety, and telling the others that they had to make their own way.  there was no risk for them at this point, eventually they would all end up at the same place to get processed.  but of course they didnt really know that, the tears were freely flowing, and they were breaking down into near hysteria.  i think it was a decision on our part that should be made differently next time.  but we are all new at this, and it is part of a learning process all the way around.  anyway, once the four of us got into the car, it was a quick hop into the car and a leisurely (with a few tense points at police checkpoints) 12 hour drive back home to safety.  now im not usually a kid person, and the thought of having a little sticky handed, whining brat in the house was not that appealing to me.  but this kid turned out to be crazy smart and totally hilarious.  he would mimic my english perfectly while we played our own version of chess (he somehow managed to win every game).  i watched him carefully examine a tripod, checking each knob and joint before returning it to its original state.  and his mom man, this chick was fierce, and i mean that in the best way possible.  they were going on to ROK and not the US, so they would be staying in the "waiting" prison.  she knew her energetic son would have a difficult time, so she loaded up on games and toys, and prepared the best that she could.  we were disappointed they werent going to be staying with us for more than a few days, but she had family in south korea, and was set on going there.  it was probably the right decision, but it sure would have been a lively house with such a little character here.


so there are obvious flaws in the process as of now, a big one being communication of timing.  sometimes we are hours late, other times days early.  but its also exciting to be involved at a time when the protocol is literally being written.  after every mission we will understand more about what works and what doesnt, and how to be as prepared as possible.  i was asked in an interview recently if this procedure seemed sustainable.  well, there are a million ways we could improve it, and we will, one at a time.  but how sustainable do we really want it to be?  i mean, isnt half the point of this to create enough awareness so that the prison doors will soon swing open?  if this process has to be sustainable for very long, we are not doing our job on other fronts of the fight.  so lets keep that awareness spreading, and put me out of a job as quickly as possible.

new moon to full moon and love love love

so my last blog post may have seemed a bit disjointed, we got the call for the next mission literally as i was typing it up.  so i didnt get to finish the half that i wanted to write for valentines day and how much i adore and appreciate all of my friends with their unique attributes and amazing qualities.  i'll focus on that here, and leave the next blog post for the discussion of the most recent mission.  here we go!!!

one of the greatest blessings of my life has been all of the inspiring, dedicated, talented people i have met over the miles and years.  and of course, most of them dont even realize how effin awesome they are.  and it can start in a flash, a chance meeting that leaves me stunned with amazement about the fantastic person i just met.  (i know this will all sound ridiculously gushy, but hey, i missed v-day so i get to let it out.)  anyway, for example theres amy lee, whom i met just crashing on her couch one night when i was on tour in the states for this non-profit, and after a few hours of chatting about our goals, ambitions, fears, i knew she would forever be in my heart.  kismet is the only word.  of course im sure it will be like most of the people in my life, we will connect off and on as long as i am in the same country,or at least work in the same group.  but as time goes we will have even bigger dreams we are working on, and think of each other only with sweet reminiscence.  but thats okay.  because already in the months of knowing her she has encouraged and propelled me in my own work, and brightened my life in having a small glimpse at her realizing her own goals.  she is selfless without being a martyr, and driven without bring aggressive.  i am fortunate for having known her, and look forward to following what i know will be a successful career and a beautiful life, even if i am not there to share it with her.  and to sweeten it even further, she is now dating one of my favorite men.  clay, a man that is so gentle and kind but still exudes a comforting masculinity, he is a rarity.  i joked on my facebook that i think i may be happier that they are dating than any relationship i could have of my own, but i think it is actually true (no pressure guys).

i promise not to wax nostalgic about all of my wonderful friends, but just a few words while i am feeling such a rare explosion of emotion.  teddy, i miss you so much, there's no one else i can love the ocean as much with, and then go back and be catty about the bitches on project runway.  lila, you will find what you are looking for, i promise.  you are too rich of character to languish without direction, if you dont find it, it will most assuredly find you.  adam, for the first time with anyone i think i am not as envious of your life as envious of those who get to share it with you.  kaz, i should tell you every day how much you mean to me.  you are the best and truest friend a person could have.  i did not remember that enough in my time of suffering, and i know you have forgiven me for that, but again, you are a man without equal, compassionate beyond compare.  i love you so, and hope i can share this with your new beautiful daughter.  julia, i would tell you to get over your self-consciousness and let others see what an amazing woman you are, but i will just let you be you and get to savor that knowledge all to myself and the others who see your greatness.  raul, i have always felt like you are my number one cheerleader, and you have given me more support than you realize.  brandt, with all you went through, for you to give me such heartfelt words of support when i needed them most, i will never forget that.  every accomplishment i am making now is in part due to your support, and i will love you always for it.  artoff, i dont care if you think its weird that i say this, but i so wish i lived near you cause i think we would hang out constantly and be the absolute best of chums.  or id like to think so :).  and there are so many people i only met a few times that have impacted me permanently, so much so that i think you would be freaked out if i kept naming names.  but to all of the people ive met in the last years who have inspired me; stephanie, sachi, ben, sam, sunny, jesse, mark, you touch people more than you know.  the only thing that was missing this valentines day was a crush, someone to pine over longingly, to ache to be near, or just talk to.  but i think my love quota has been more than filled my these wonderful friends, and i will consider myself lucky to exchange the passing fancy for the everlasting friendship.


if you havent all stopped reading already (if you even started) feel free to break off now, but i have got to tell my father exactly how much he means to me.  sometimes i have gotten angry with him, and have blamed him for not living up to my expectations of what a father should be.  and im sure i will due so again, i am as selfish and short sighted as the next person.  but while i am here and salient i will tell him what is honestly in my heart, without being skewed by perceived hurts.  dad, i love you more than i can ever express in words.  i know that you feel that you may have not lived up to the expectations you had as a young man.  you have reached a time in you life that we all come to, questioning the roads taken; and those that you passed by with a glance, maybe a longing glance at that.  i of course cannot tell you which decisions that you made were right or wrong, or where you may have taken a misstep.  but i can tell you that your decisions have allowed your daughter to live a life she never thought possible.  i dont really remember having great ambitions as a child, i never wanted to be a ballerina or an astronaut, didnt know how i felt about college until i got there, i just figured things happened as they did, and i would let them.  these were not negatives, it was because i had a sense of openness, that why limit myself to one choice because i could do anything in the whole world that i wanted.  and it was because of you, because of the strength and security you gave me that i could feel comfortable with such a seemingly unstable existence.  and in my short time here i have accomplished more than i would have ever expected.  it has been hard at times; heartbreaking, frustrating, incomprehensible.  but that is what makes the beautiful parts of life so worth living.  so many times i have looked through the streets of kyoto with the cherry blossoms falling, or over the mountains of laos with the winding mekong in the distance, or most often on my moto, singing, or even screaming to myself in my helmet because i just cannot contain my joy.  all of those times i have thought of what you have done for me and our family.



i know that sometimes i will forget all of this.  forgive
me, i am human,  the slights we feel to our hearts seems to ram any remembrance of kindness out of our minds.  but please remember that deep in the core of who i am as a human being, i will be ever grateful of your sacrifices.  i know that at times you wish it was you out there hiking the jungles in kauai.  but i also know that you would give up your chance to do it every time if it meant that your child could do it in your stead.  so dad, i have this picture of us together up here in my room at the shelter, of us with rommel getting ready to leave on a bike trip up the coast.  i think you have the same one at your desk.  (i am so hoping that no one else is reading this because the cheesiness has gotten out of hand, but i dont care.)  im looking at that photo right now (as much as i can see through the tears), and i think i feel for the very first time the thing you have been talking about, being disappointed that there is no afterlife.  i have always said that the experiences that i have had already have been fulfilling enough, and i dont need anything to come after it.  well its true, except for the fact of how much i would love another life with you and cameron and mom.  luckily when i am gone i wont actually be able to miss you, because i didnt miss you before i was born, so i wont miss you after i die.  but my goodness i miss you now.  so in making sure that we make the most of our meager time here, i'll continue to play out all of the amazing adventures to you, even the seemingly mundane details that make the story so much richer.  and i will thank you every time we talk, and remind you that while i may have been able to do some of these things without you, i would never have been able to feel so complete, and certainly not so loved.  i love you dad.  (and cameron, i love you because you're my brother ;).  and for orating since dad cant work a computer.)

new moon: a dated post, but better late than never...

this point on the calendar marks the celebrations of a new lunar year, reminiscing on old loves, or if you are as fortunate as i am, maybe both.  for the celebration of this particular evening, i am headed down to the local chinatown later tonight, to watch the revelers, the dragon dances, partake in a bit of snacking (i plan on eating all of the candied lotus root i can get my stubby little fingers around).  but my celebration isnt just for this night, or the promises of a new year.  my rebirth happens every morning.  every day i know that i have yet another opportunity to do something great.  great in the eyes of who?  maybe just myself, but for me thats plenty.  (although as soon as i complete something that i once saw as great, in my mind it becomes so obviously easy, and not notable at all. funny how that works).  anyway, i cant say too much in acknowledgement of the sensitivity of the subject, but i recently completed my first mission as a part of the underground railroad which brings north korean refugees to safety.  my part was merely a tiny turn of a cog in a machine vastly larger than i can even imagine.  but it is a part that i feel fortunate to play, and is one thing that i will be able to look back on with pride when my body cannot take me as far as it does now.

things could have gone terribly wrong, like any situation where a small group of people is standing in direct opposition to a powerful and ruthless authority.  but luckily, i risk only a few months of my own freedom, where others risk there lives, so i never felt much in the way of fear, or even anxiety.  very briefly, myself and a small team went to a border location and made a pick up of a group that was waiting for us.  them waiting around in a public location certainly wasnt in the plan, it was just one of the many thing that had gone wrong.  just to note a few, miscommunicated drop off points and number of people, 26 hours of non-stop driving (and i managed to only hit two stationary objects, yay me!), refugees that had no idea we were coming for them, splitting up the team by plane and van because of miscues, and the refugees and two team members getting chucked into the back of a police van.  whew!  but quick thinking, adaptability, and a team of cool characters managed to put everything together and get every one of those refugees to safety.  amazing, but true.  and the nk's themselves are amazing.  sweet, friendly, excitable, and oh so charming.  an elderly couple was part of the group that we all claimed as our adopted grandparents.  every person that laid their eyes on them just smiled in awe.  i swear, it was almost a detriment to the mission, they were so adorable that people just followed them for a few steps, like they were in a trance or something!  the image of gramps squatting in the courtyard with a ciggie hanging from him mouth, sinewy arms resting on his knees, surveying the area in front of him after he had raked all of the leaves into a pile biger than himself (not hard, this man and his wife were both shorter than 5' me), will be with  me always.  it was so amazingly surreal, after the long drive home and the adrenaline had worn off after passing through the last checkpoint, here i was giggling with some 20 year olds girls while picking out some shorts (what prudish me would almost consider booty shorts), and chatting with gramps about the war.  but these were not giggly girls from my college or even south korean tourists comparing fashions.  but this WAS the chat with my own granpda about the korean war, but this fellow happened to be on the other side.  and i know in my heart that neither if these two men would have begrudged the other.  when the team interacted with each other, it was a lot of cheery grins and i knew it would all turn out okay.  and maybe we did think so, even at the most dire moments.  but im pretty sure all of us at one point were like, this cannot be real.  how am i sitting here with a bunch of nk's  who have lived through the most oppressive regime imaginable, who have spent their lives in hiding, some of them tortured and traded as sex slaves?  and yet they sit here with us, laughing when we choke if the kim chi is too spicy, or listening to korean pop music (i happen to have the artist rain's full discography, my version of a sex god). 


the tenacity of the human spirit, the ability that we all have to overcome the most desperate trials and come out on the other side able to still laugh, love, and yes, other normal emotions as well; be petty, selfish, angry, and hurt.  to just be human.  to just be.

a few of them have gone on to south korea, but two amazing, beautiful girls are still with us here in the house.  we have already been giving them english, computer, and culture lessons, and they have already paid us back in full (not that they needed to) by making us delicious kim chi every day :).  i cant say it enough, my life is one of the most frustrating, difficult, lonely, inspiring, amazing, and beautiful lives imaginable.  it is bittersweet in the most pure sense of the word.  i am overcome with the beauty in the world as often as crushed with the injustice.  it is amazing how similar both feelings are, the wave of emotion that nothing in the world could make you ignore.  my mother once was baffled when i answered that finding peace is not my end goal (as it is hers she assumed it to be everyones).  not having peace is probably the hardest thing about life.  but it is the most rewarding, the most heart-wrenching, and the one thing out of every thing that i will never regret if i never find.  because peace is acceptance.  and i will never accept, and never stop.

oh the sunstroke :(

hi all.  i have had three blog posts in the works for some time now, about my two adventures with refugee pick ups and one that i was the most excited about, proclaiming my love for all the wonderful people in my life (should have coincided with valetines day).  but because of situations beyond my control, i have been constantly kept away from the computer.  i have tried to take notes (a rarity for me), so i hope i can remember enough to recreate some of the incredible experiences i have had over the past month.  but it turns out the amazingly inefficient local bureaucracy has not only caused immense frustration, but is quite literally bad for my heath.  i recently returned from a visa run, and because of the overwhelming inefficiency and stifling heat, people were passing out left and right.  i thought i must be doing really well, because the first day was almost intolerable, but i felt perfectly fine the second day, even while others were miserable,  but as time went on i realized i was sweating profusely, and didnt even feel hot.  this was the first red flag, and pretty soon i became aware that something was seriously wrong.  i puked up the fruit that i had eaten for breakfast, and from that point on i spit up even the water i was trying to keep hydrated with.  i would have to run out of the immigration line to upchuck in the bushes.  i was dry-heaving the whole way back on the train.  so im pretty sure i've got a pretty serious case of sun poisoning.  ive had heat stroke before when i was pretty young and my dad thought a bike ride in 112 degree weather sounded like a goof (ha, typo and it stays) idea.  all i remember is someone dragging me under a tree and seeing red sparkles everywhere in the sky.  this was even less pleasant, as i was traveling alone and didnt have anyone to rub my back as i heaved into the bushes.  there was a very kind (and quite handsome) german guy pretty worried about me, but i'd rather not ask him to hold my hair as i barf.  another bonus of short hair.  :)  so i havent been able to update as i wanted to, but i promise updates on the missions as well as some upcoming book reviews.  i have become reacquainted with akutagawa, so i'd love to share some of the beautiful flowing language that he has to offer, at least what can be preserved in the japanese to english translation.  so anyway, i promise full updates as soon as i can keep something more than vegetable juice down.  i have missed you all so much, and have been neglecting to tell you all how important and inspiring you all are to me, in so many distinct yet unified ways.  i love you all, and promise not to be so neglectful in the future.  oh, and picture is unrelated but it made me laugh.  over and out.

oh the animality!

ok, this post links a couple of my favorite topics, my veganism and my lack of religious beliefs. now, although i say these are favorite topics, i dont mean i like to talk about them all of the time. most of the time i dont like to talk about these things at all, because too often even giving these topics the weight they deserve is practically impossible by the even the occasionally open-minded. but in my daily life, i love being an atheist, and i love being a vegan. and although its pretty obvious, i didn’t really get how these two things related until recently. i have been both a vegetarian and an atheist for as long as i can remember. and neither of them were ever this eureka moment or anything, i just knew that they seemed right for me. and they have been, maybe more than anything else in my life. i love, just love that my life is lived with a love for all of my fellow creatures for their own intrinsic worth. because they are beautiful and amazing and industrious and fragile. i love that i need nothing so big or ominous as an omnipotent god, and i do not need to fuel my ambition with the (literal)lives of others. i do not say this as a look-at-me-on-my-pedestal kinda way, i mean that it just makes my contented. i look outside and see the beauty of nature and i know that it is right and good on its own merits, none that i or any god can give it.

i am reading watership down right now, a bit more slowly than my usual reading pace, because although it is a story about mere rabbits, there are moments of enlightening experiences. and these rabbits struggle with the belief in god as well. they believe in firth, a god-being that takes care of them. when some of the rabbits are saved by a timely train cutting them off from their pursuers, they deem this firths intervention. this is no more unlikely than gods hand in the lives of humans. but tell that to a christian, i am guessing they will see it differently. and where is the love for all of gods creatures by christians? in their bellies of course, because man has dominion over all these things. not beings, beautiful and free, but things. but how great, how deserving is man really? in watership down, the group meets with another village of rabbits, who are cruel and unfeeling, and respond with - animals don’t behave like men. if they have to fight, they fight; and if they have to kill, they kill. but they don’t sit down and set their wits to work to devise ways of spoiling other creatures lives’ and hurting them. we have dignity and ANIMALITY (emphasis by me). this brings to mind, what is this great humanity we think we have? yes, we have amazing cognition, reasoning, emotion, all explained by our large frontal cortex. but why do we believe in this humanity as raising us above animals. animals do not plan for the destruction of others for anything other than survival. and if they hurt another without intention to eat it, they cannot reason the repercussions as we can. yet we still do evil things to each other. i spoke with a friend recently about his religious beliefs. i respect him more than most christians, because he will willingly say i don’t know, a rare trait. but still, he refuses to look beyond the borders of what he has been taught, he confuses the indoctrination he received as a path of his own choosing. and if he reads this and is angry, i can only say that i feel this way not as any critique on his heart, he loves others well and is to be much respected, most assuredly more than me. but he, as most christians, seems to limit his love to those his faith has told him to love. for animals, he has none, at least not in the way that i perceive it. this breaks my heart, and shows the mentality that if a religious scripture tells one group to hate another, they will; if it tells one man he is better than his brother, he will believe it. and maybe it is because we have a proclivity to believe these things, it comes naturally to us. but look out beyond your own horizons. please, please search out what is greater than a word, a psalm, a parable. truth is in the flowers, the trees, the animals, and your fellow man, foreign as he may seem. to quote the great thomas edision whom is respected by most christians for his scientific achievements but would be damned for his beliefs (bringing up the topic of the insanity that people will believe in science for medicine, mathematics, astronomy, physics….but not god, oh no no) – nature is what we know. we do not know the gods of religions. and nature is not kind, or merciful, or loving. if god made me — the fabled god of the three qualities of which i spoke: mercy, kindness, love — he also made the fish i catch and eat. and where do his mercy, kindness, and love for that fish come in? no; nature made us — nature did it all — not the gods of the religions.

the love for man, nature, life, it is in us all, in our own capacities for greatness; not given, but built piece by piece. i am fortunate beyond what i deserve, not by gods grace, but by the grace of chance of birth. i do not deserve my life any more than a suffering north korean deserves theirs. but it is as it is, and i will right what needs to be righted, and appreciate what deserves to be appreciated. by my own capacity. and my own love.

BOOK REVIEW: Joshua Ferris

so whenever a book comes into my scope of vision more than once, its like i can not function correctly until i get my hands on it.  i know that this is a sign of a true fiend, an addict with little chance of recovery.  i mean, when i get a recommendation from a friend, followed by seeing the author on the daily show; or hear a favorite author mention it and then hear of a reading given by the author, its like i was meant to have that book.  now i know i was not actually meant to have it, like it was pushed towards me by some greater power, but if i take what i have read, analyze, filter, and appreciate it (hopefully without diluting it at all), i may glean something from it that will change my world view.  or i will just have a few laughs and consider it a few hours well spent on worthwhile entertainment.  the two books i read last week by joshua ferris fall somewhere in between those two categories.  

i read his most recent book first, the unnamed, even though i wanted to start with his first book, then we came to the end.  its not like the two books are related, but im a geek like that.  i had kinda heard about his first book a while ago, at least peripherally, since it had caused a bit of a stir as possibly the first book written totally in first person plural (i.e. we, us, our).  i guess i only really heard about it once, cause i never went on a do or die mission to find it.  but last month-ish ferris came out with then we came to the end.  so talk was all over about both books.  the first sounded so grammatically interesting, but i couldnt find it right off, so i started with the other, the unnamed. 

i'll be quick with this one, since it took me about 5-6 hours to read.  its about a man who cannot stop moving.  sounds like me, i thought.  but his is an impossible to diagnose issue of mental or physical illness that causes him to physically be unable to stop walking.  these bouts hit him at certain intervals, sometimes dormant for years but lasting for months and months.  this novel follows the degradation of the relationships around him because of his illness.  he has a supportive family that believes he is truly ill, but he wavers in believing it himself.  for me this was a book about the inability to allow ourselves to live with stability and certitude.  this man had the so called amercian dream, and although he never consciously wished for a more carefree lifestyle, his manic obsession with putting one foot in front of the other cannot be construed as a mere unfortunate physical anomaly.  there is a deeper, needier, more desperate reason.  i'll let you analyze the outcome for yourself, but i questioned my own constant need to leave people and things behind.

then we came to the end was funnier, darker, and more original.  it was like the movie office space, but from the point of view of all of the obnoxious, irritating office staff that just seem vapid, uninteresting, or self-interested.  the book is written in plural, which made it a riot, and set it up for one of the most lovely final sentences i have read in many years.  it is basically a set of intertwining stories told about the members of an advertising ajency that is on the road to bankruptcy from the economic downturn.  at first the characters induce snickers and eye-rolls from the reader, but after a while, a definite sense of camaraderie is built, and the characters turn into your own coworkers, and dare i say it, friends.  its not really the we in the book that does it, but more a recognizing of the flaws that are in us all, no matter how we try to hide or deny them.  but after reading all the we, us, and our, the setup for the final sentence is perfect.  all of the characters have moved on to other jobs, lives, and they all leave a final little bar gathering, one by one.  and then we come to the end.  …and with that, we’d get in our cars and open the windows and drive off, tapping the horn a final time.  but for the moment, it was nice just to sit there together.  we were the only two left.  just the two of us, you and me.  perfect.  such brevity, such clarity.  kudos ferris, i will picture this moment for a long time.  thanks.

oh my godlessness

how can i help people to understand that my atheism is as beautiful, mysterious, inspiring, and heartfelt as any form or practice of any religion could be.  the complex wonder that is nature, the universe, human existence is so rich, that i feel my heart will just about burst with the love of it all.  the fact that on out of all the planets in all the galaxies, evolution led to my two parents combining their dna to make me, little old ordinary me, is just amazing.  the drake eqaution works out how rare it is that intelligent life would exist on any given planet (and there is a hilarious use of the drake equation used to calculate one nerdy guys likelihood of finding a girlfriend here), but that doesnt take into account the chance of my parents meeting, and their parents.  the comedienne julia sweeney goes further, talking about the likelihood of even the one egg out of hundreds, and the one sperm out of millions coming together to make exactly this one person. she quotes richard dawkins, saying certainly those unborn ghosts include poets greater than keats, scientists greater than newton, but in the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and i in our ordinariness that are here.  it really does boggle the mind when thinking about it, and makes me want to take advantage of every minute all the more.  i have been given the most rare and wondrous gift imaginable, and although i may be full of ordinariness, i am determined to appreciate it as much as any person possibly could.

i never find disappointment in my atheism, like my dad does when he wishes so much that he could believe in another life after this one.  when facing his mortality, it is very difficult for him, and he never believes me when i tell him that i truly do not wish for life after death.  its like twain says, i do not fear death.  i had been dead for billions and billions of years before i was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.  of course i am one of the lucky ones.  i can be contented with the years i have spent on this earth, because i have had more opportunities than most just by the chance of being born in america.  i have lived more experiences because i have had options, choices that so few ever get to make.  the children that die without yet living, those that suffer at the hands of others, it does not seem fair that their one chance has been so spoiled.  but of course nature is not about fairness, and i can only appreciate my life and do my best to help others have the opportunities that i have had.

but there is one instance where my atheism does make me feel sad.  again, julia sweeney presents it so perfectly in her program letting go of god.  she talks about how when she finally came to terms with the fact that there is no god, she had to go through the deaths of those loved ones that had passed all over again.  it was especially heartbreaking to hear her talk about her brother, who died a painful death from cancer, and whom she always thought she would see again in heaven.  but she had to admit that his suffering was nothing more than a fact of being a human animal, and that it was not a part of a grand plan, and she would never see him again, he is dead.  just dead.  so its really not for myself that i feel heartsick, but for those that deserve a heaven where they can make up for time lost on earth.  in a more trivial way, its like a really tragic scene in a book or movie where a character dies in their lovers arms, and the only way you can keep from blubbering is to tell yourself that they will be together again in heaven.  without that caveat, it is depressing sometimes.  but at least the bittersweetness means that the life was well lived, because the person was well loved.  and i do consider myself fortunate here as well, because i have never believed in heaven, and i imagine it would be very difficult to let go of the idea that your loved ones are waiting for you, if you had been banking on that your whole life.  the regrets will be stronger, the pains more hurtful, because there is no taking anything back, never a second chance.  of course its impossible to always be loving and kind and just and free from all judgement of others (at least it is for me), but it is so important to give it your best shot, because there will never be another opportunity like this one.

i could write all night about my love for my atheism (and i truly do love it, if i may be anthropomorphic), but for now i'll sign off with a video from one of my favorite atheist explainers(?), qualiasoup on youtube.

oh the pain, the beauty!

so i had gone to this massage place a couple of times, nothing all that special, but it has a friendly atmosphere and it is never too busy.  last week i happened to get the girl that speaks the most english, and she was admiring my tattoos during the massage.  afterwards, she introduced me to one of the other girls downstairs that had 3 tattoos, and if i understood correctly, had been done in a tample famous for tattooing.  here tattoos are relatively common on men of a certain economic class, but can be seen on women, and rarely on the wealthy.  these specific tattoos are called sak yant, and they are only done by buddhist monks.  the one seen most often is the hah taew, which means five lines.  it is slightly different depending on which monk applies it, it is his own prayer.  it usually includes wishes for good fortune,  protection against evil spirits, or to show loving kindness.  the mantra commonly associated with it is :

Namo Putta Ya Na Metti
Mo Putta Ya Na Na Metti
Putta Ya Namo Na Metti
Ta Ya Namo Put Na Metti
Ya Namo Putta Na Metti

anyway, the woman asked me if i wanted to go with her to the temple.  of course i was up for it, it sounded pretty darned cool.  then she told be to make sure to bring enough money for the tattoo.  i was a little like, eh, what?  i told them okay, but i might just watch the first time.  i had planned on getting some work done here, but i am super hard line on always planning the tattoo out, discussing it with the artist, going over the artwork a few times.  but hey, when was i going to have another chance to get tatted up by a monk in a temple?  well, maybe id have a lot of chances, seeing as how it only took me a month to stumble upon someone willing to take me, but hey, make the most out of every opportunity, it might not come along again.

so we drove a couple of hours to get to the temple.  it turned out it was like a group outing, because its kind hard to get out there and get an appointment, so there were actually 4 of us getting tattooed that day.  the people i went with were super cool, way chill and fun.  the sister of the woman i had met was the driver, and she spoke great english, and was very cool, way nice and helpful, and a very interesting person to meet in her own right.  so we showed up and had to buy an offering of an orchid and cigarettes, and then headed up to the monks room to get started.  a man was just getting finished up when we showed up, and i got to see what i was in for.  now this is the seriously traditional style of tattooing.  no tat gun here, just 2 foot long metal rods with a giant fucking tip on the end.  the needle has little notch on the end for the inkwell, and he basically just dips it in ink and starts stabbing it into your skin.  way cool.   

so of course, as the guest, they let me go first.  lucky me.  so you put the offering on a golden platter and hand it to the monk.  he doesnt take it right away, he holds onto the other side and prays over you first.  my only hesitation here was my staunch atheism, i was wondering if i should be supporting this outdated mumbo jumbo  that obviously has no hold in the real world.  i mean, should i really be getting a prayer tat when i am so against religion of any kind?  but you know, i cant be so friggin judgmental all of the time!  this is part of a rich history and culture of a people, and i am lucky to be able to have the experience as part of it.  so i viewed this tattoo as a mark of the experience, instead of a perfectly designed piece of art as i had before.  so after he prayed over me, he put on a rubber glove (which i later learned was not for the hygiene.  he tattoos men without any glove, but monks are not allowed to touch a womans skin, so this is how they get around that.  this monk mentioned that when he started to get popular as a tattooist, he got a lot of flak for tattooing women) and got started.  i dont know if it is more painful than getting tatted with a gun, because every time you get a tattoo it hurts more than you remeber.  but yeah, it hurt.  like a bitch.  but it was only about 30 minutes.  i was a bit nervous, cause i had no say in how it would look, or where it was placed.  there wasnt even a mirror in the room to check it out, it was all up to him.  but i just kept telling myself, its for the experience, it may not be perfect but the enrichment of my life is worth it.  after he was done he rubbed it for a few minutes and prayed over me again.  he didnt really speak english, but once during the procedure he said are you okay? and everyone laughed.  so for every customer that day he asked, are you okay?, and people cracked up.  it was a pretty fun experience, like 6 of us just chatting (the sister translating for me).  it wasnt this austere feeling or anything, just lighthearted and enjoyable.  

afterwards this random guy got to cut in line and get his next, so we ended up being there almost all day.  i walked around the grounds and saw all of the shrines. at one point i could hear someone saying, hello, hello!  it took me a while to figure out, but this older man was hailing me from across the courtyard area.  he kind of jogged over and looked at my back.  he said five lines, five lines!  i nodded, acknowledging that i had just gotten the tattoo.  in english he said, thank you, thank you, five lines!  [this country] is so good, five lines is so good.  thank you, thank you!  the whole time he was enthusiastically shaking my hand.  i had been a bit worried about the locals giving me the side-eye for getting a traditional tattoo as a foreigner, but after this im pretty sure i wont have to worry about that too much.  after that i walked over to the lovely river the temple was on (thankfully like 5-10 degrees cooler than where i live) and had a nice bowl of noodles while watching all of the fish.  


eventually i walked back up and watched the others get their work finished.  it was a really long day, but new, interesting, and beautiful.  we drove home with everyone exhausted, and i hopped out when the traffic got heavy and grabbed public transport home.  but not before exchanging numbers, promising to hang with these folks again soon.  i think i made a really good friend out of the sister, we are planning to cook dinner together at her place so she can show me some recipes.  when i got home she texted me asking if it would be okay if she considered me a sister.  never having had one, i thought it was a very sweet sentiment.  

oh, and of course the tat looks amazing.  delicate, beautiful, and full of lovely memories of that day.  and one bonus (although i never quibble about tattoo prices, its an art and should be treated as such) it only cost like seven bucks.  win!

oh my traveling heart

my favorite miyazaki anime is mimi wo sumaseba (us title: whispers of the heart).  it is so simple and sweet and lovely.  a young girl who finally challenges herself when a young boy who wants to become a master violin maker falls for her.  the animation and story are both much more simple than the fantasy-type anime, but it is perfect and moving and just plain heartwarming.  in it, the girl translates the john denver song country roads.  but her translation is sooo much better than the original song.  and i feel the emotion of it in my on heart every time i hear it.  so i wrote it out, and even though the given translation is not spot on, and the japanese lyrics are a bit off at the end (i just couldnt make them out), little is lost of the loveliness.  so here it is.

Country Road

Hitoribochi, hosore tu ni             No one is with me, going fearlessly

Hiki yo to yume miteta                 That’s the way I live in the dream I see

Samishi sa hoshi kometa              I must put my loneliness away

Tsuyoi jibum mo ma mo ikeko     Protect myself and learn to be strong

Country road, komo machi          Country road

Tsuyuta tsukeba                           It will take me back to my home

Ano machi ni tsizu iteru                I can feel it now, if I just keep

Kinasuru, Country road               to this far off way, Country road 

Donna samishii bokidatte            It wont matter how lonely the times get          

Keshite namina wa misenaide       You’ll never see me cry

Kokoro nashi kahojo ya hayaku  I know I must take heart, andthat hurrying

Natteiku omoide kesutane           Is all I can do to forget

Country road, komo michi           Country road, it may take me

Furusatoei buiteba                       back to my hometown, but even so

Boku wa ikanai sa                         I cant go, I wont go

Ikanai, Country road                    Country Road

Country road, hoshitaba             Country road, Steeling my heart

Hitsumono boku sa                      I will not go now,

Bayunetai Nayarenai                   Not while I’m free

Sayonara, Country Road          So its farewell, Country road

oh yeah, so what am i doing here anyway?

it seems that a few of the people reading this blog (okay, my mom) are not totally sure what it is that i actualy do here out adrift, tethered to hq in america by the flimsiest of threads.  one reason i had been kind of hesitant to go into it is because i had the choice of running a blog that talked about where i am but not what i do, or the inverse; what i do but not where i am.  ive finally worked it out that it is much more interesting to talk about the challenges ahead, the experiences that are so rich and so meaningful, without actually having to go into the specifics of a pinpointed geographical location.  so here goes:

ive been working for a human rights non-profit for the last 7-ish months.  i am now running a shelter that assists in the placement of north korean refugees in the united states, a part of a larger network that helps these heartbreakingly oppressed people to find a chance at a "normal" life.  a chance to do the things that so many of us take for granted, like accessing the internet, speaking our minds, and maybe the simplest thing (but most important) of all, just filling our bellies.  i had been aware of this issue for years, i was lucky enough to have a father that, although a business conservative, is a social liberal.  he taught me a lot about the different situations that people are facing around the world.  however, it was presented in a very matter-of-fact manner, and not really in a way that made it seem that anything could possibly be done by an outsider.  so as i grew up, entered college, then grad school, i got behind a lot of causes.  environmentalism, gay rights, things that were important to me and impacted my life daily.  but most of the time it was as a side dish to the eentrée of my life, like academics or travel.  but spending a year in a hospital bed changed all that.  now i dont want it to sound like this epic sob story, like, i have to re-learn to walk, and laying there in the hospital bed i read a book that opens my eyes to the way i can devote myself to something bigger, and i swear i will no longer live selfishly traveling around the world but will give myself to the cause!  okay, this is actually kinda how it happened, but i just didnt know it at the time.  anyway, i was lying in a hospital bed for months, and months, and picked up mike kims book escaping north korea after being charmed by him on the daily show.  the thing that really got to me, was how a pretty normal person can decide to go all crazy spy-like and start crossing borders and smuggling refugees.  i was just thinking a person must need mad awesome contacts, or tons of cash or something.  i knew that kind of lifestyle would work for me, and i feel devoted enough to this specific cause that i would be more than willing.  and my wide range of experiences has prepared me with a certain skill set that many people do not have.  but hey, there's no way a tiny white girl with not one contact in any north korean human rights group could just expect to walk in and be like, hey, where do i sign up to like, smuggle refugees and stuff? right?  turns out, i could.

so, im not sure if i am allowed to name the group i work for, although two seconds of internet research could give you the answer.  but after returning to america from two years in japan (and a year in the hospital), i looked around for a group that was involved with this issue.  it turned out to be harder than i thought, because there are so few people that even know these atrocities in north korea are even going on, and the groups that do work in this field are all religious.  i am a staunch athiest, and there was no way i could become involved in an organization that was saving people to save their souls, instead of for the wonderful and amazing and deserving human beings that they are.  luckily enough i finally found a fantastic organization headed by people barely out of their teens, determined to practically carry these people out on their fucking backs if need be.  sometimes the money isnt there, and things are still getting sorted, but its a group of individuals who are determined to give every ounce of themselves to not only bringing awareness about the cause, but doing something epic, helping to rebuild the lives that have been almost destroyed by the most oppressive regime that exists on earth today.  i knew i wanted in.

so i spent my fall touring around the country (the us), living out of a van, teaching, discussing, and hopefully inspiring.  getting people to admit that this problem can be solved if enough like minded people take action, and getting them to pledge some sort of action, to not forget it as soon as finals get to stressful or the job hunt becomes more important.  i met some phenomenal people on the road, people that were so rich in character, i felt fortunate just to spend a few hours with them.  and honestly, i loved it.  i loved getting up and talking to people about something i truly believe in, and discussing ways to bring change.  i loved studying the issue everyday, and being ready to give thoughtful, accurate, and succinct answers to any question thrown at me.  i considered it a great challenge, to not give people any reason to doubt the severity of this issue, but also not to doubt the fact that something could be done.  and it has, this organization, the work of these few young people, has already resulted in bringing 27 people out of nk/china and into safety.

so after this tour, i was back at the office wondering what would come next.  i had already mentioned half-jokingly to the staff that i was interested in becoming a protection officer, someone who works at one of the shelters and is responsible for every aspect of the refugees lives, from border to border.  but i knew it would never work.  im white, i dont speak korean, and im inexperienced.  well.  so im white, big deal, im not in nk or china, so it doesnt matter, there are while people everywhere in se asia.  and for experience, i have tons in many fields.  it might not be in this specifically, but i have done enough strange things in my life that it seems to fit perfectly.  the language was the killer though.  so i didnt really think about it.

two days after getting back from tour, i got called into the office about the protection officer position.  i figured it was the requisite, sorry, wont work, thanks for playing.  so wrong.  it was more like, pack your bags, you leave in 5 days.  so much for the first christmas at home in 4 years.  they decided that sending a korean speaker with me that could train me would work, and though not ideal, still better than any alternatives.  and mostly i think it was my drive.  okay, i know this sounds vain, but i can do anything.  i know i can.  i have no special skills, am not particularly talented at anything, but if given enough time, ive got the will to do whatever it takes.  so bring it!

now, things havent worked out as planned.  the girl that came out with me totally pussed out, like hardcore.  left me high and dry.  but already working on a contingency.  i rustled up an korean teacher (a korean ex-pat that normally teaches piano, but what of it).  and im taking the time while where we have a lull in refugees to learn everything i can.  korean, the local language, local cooking.  also writing an english curriculum for the lessons we give here.  and quite a few other projects that will hopefully help how this organization runs the field program in the future.  so im living it, loving it, and cant wait until these efforts start bearing fruit.

so i will start updating this blog with the trials of all of these efforts, what works and what doesnt, what drives me to the brink and what pulls me back.  and maybe the occasional flashback to my past (hawaii, japan, etc). so i hope you stick round for the ride, i know i will.