Tuesday, May 18, 2010

day by day

the thing that sucks about writing this blog is that all of the really cool stuff that happens, like holidays, or local events, some good and others just democratically inspiring, i cant write about them for safety reasons.  we had a festival that i know for a fact for some of the family here it was absolutely the most fun they had ever had in their lives.  one of them came to me later saying, "i wasnt happy (in my home country).  i wasnt happy in the home i tried to build later.  today i am happy, first time".  this in broken english was enough to get a hard heart like mine to melt just a little.  the unique opportunities afforded to me in this life have allowed me the knowledge of the pain, suffering, and cruel things of which a person is capable.  but it has allowed me to feel the depth of honesty, frailty, compassion, and love of which a person can be capable as well.  i know i harp on it, but one of the hardest times in my life was the year in a japanese hospital.  but my physical therapist saw my determination and was willing to push me even harder.  we would actually both be crying during therapy session, me from the pain, and her from her willingness to push even harder when i begged her to.  she is such an honestly empathetic person, someone so pure of heart i cant believe i will meet the likes of her again.  but i know i will.

i sit here at my desk, legs folded under me, in a tank top and undies because of the heat.  as it is evening and my window is westward facing, the shafts of sunlight are filtering their way through the leaves of the large tree outside my window (where many noisy, early rising birds live).  i can hear some laughs form downstairs, a few watching a dvd together or something.  but i know its not everyone because i can also hear the gentle sweeping of the old bamboo broom.  the yard is beautiful, everyone cleaned it of the years of accumulated leaves as a surprise while i was at my language lesson.  there is ping pong table, dart board, kiddy pool, and the jankiest basketball hoop in existence (i cut the bottom out of a washtub and lashed it to an dry old tree).  inside we have learning materials, toys, games, and a houseful of people who love each other.  i know my last post was corny as hell, but sometimes these things need to be said.  because when im talking politics to my dad on skype (which we do often) we often reach the point where it seems like, why even make the effort?  things are so fucked up, and there are so many people out there with too much power who deserve a good bash in the god damned skull.  how can you ever help enough?  when does it become sacrifice?  how much should each person be expected to give?  i have no idea about the answers to these questions.  i have a habit of being quite the judgmental bitch, but who am i to determine that you aren't doing your part.  all i know is i have lived my life doing what seemed (and in this order) fun, educational, and acting on behalf of others when i have a say and they may not, whether it be environmental or civil rights.  and really, it has always been about the fun. its not like im saying if this job wasnt fun tomorrow, i'd be taking off (cause there are plenty of days this job is the antithesis of fun).  but its about taking whats important to you, looking for that well hidden niche that you can fill with your everyday skills yet gives you more than an everyday kind of feeling.  i am no prodigy, i have a slightly above average iq and the benefit of not incurring the loss of idealism that seems to come with age.  i am no saint; i cuss and have occasional random sex and am selfish as often as the next average joe.  but i have found a thing, maybe the thing, i dont know, that has allowed my to do decent work and still live every day with excitement, anxiety, love, hope,and  heartbreak, but to like an extreme level.  like off the charts.  my efforts are not world changing, but they are life changing, even if it is just my own.

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